He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I have feelings that need drinking.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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