i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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