so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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