He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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