He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
