Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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