We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
