I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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