I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
