white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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