hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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