dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
