dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
there is puke in my bra ... again
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