i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
