I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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