I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
