ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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