I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize