what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
