im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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