I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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