If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
