hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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