By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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