I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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