Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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