if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
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