sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
