so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
