I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
