Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
