not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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