i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
