Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
