just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
