I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
