i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Randomize
