I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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