it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
