Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
