I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
