Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
