i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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