I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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