she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize