They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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