I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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