Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
