I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
