Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
