she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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