my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
