we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
