i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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