Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
