This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
