I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
MIDGETS
????
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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