I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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