I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
