she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
