Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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