We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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