someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
