New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
