How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
