Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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