Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
