Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
